Allow Your Child To Fail
“I’ve failed many times in my life and career and because of this I’ve learned a lot. Instead of feeling defeated countless times, I’ve used it as fuel to drive me to work harder. So today, join me in accepting our failures. Let’s use them to motivate us to work even harder.” - Phil Mickelson, 12 days before becoming the oldest major champion in golf history.
It can be painful for parents to watch their child fail time after time. They see them struggling. They see their anger. Their tears. Their bad attitude. And it’s hard to watch. Why should they suffer when you can give them the answer and end their pain?!
After some horrendous lessons or tournaments I’ve heard parents say “we didn’t sign them up for this. This isn’t worth it. If this is how it’s going to be, they’re not going to play anymore.”
I’ve even had parents coach their child during a lesson with me, and they were never a player themselves. They just couldn’t take their child being so angry about a mistake they thought was simple to correct.
But what they don’t realize is they’re actually ruining their development.
It’s precisely at these painful moments that we have to push them to figure it out, not tell them what to do. We have to let them make mistakes, feel the frustration, potentially cry, and think. How long exactly is dependent on each child, but somehow we need to see how they act as they’re failing.
Do they use the anger to motivate themselves to do better? Or do they get more frustrated and want to quit?
It’s why my favorite coaching method is the silent one. I’ll let a player make the same mistake over and over and watch. Will they keep making the mistake the same way? Will they try something different? Will they ask for advice? Or will their emotions overwhelm their thought process, causing them to endlessly fail until I help them?
No one is going to bail them out during a tennis match and no one is going to bail them out when they’re adults on their own. If we jump in to save them too quickly, they’ll never learn to figure things out on their own. And if they can’t problem solve on their own, they’ll have no chance for success in life.
So to a certain extent, let them get angry. Let them yell. Let them throw the racket from time to time.
Let them learn the consequences of their decisions, and don’t let them quit. Not until they’ve at least learned to problem solve. And when the time is right, then help them.