Most families are stuck in a position where their child splits sets, they’re able to receive coaching, and they have no coach there.

If you know me well, my thoughts are that the coach should be there.

For most though, they’re not.

So the parent is left as the de facto coach.

What should they do? They’re not a coach, but here they are, with their child about to go into a nerve wrecking third set tiebreak (or regular set depending on the tournament), and are looking for guidance.

Most parents put on their best coaching hat, and provide coaching advice such as play more aggressive, attack the backhand, come to the net, PUSH (mmmhmmmm)…..or other things like that.

My suggestion to parents would be to hold off on any type of coaching like this. You’re not the coach, so don’t be the coach. Even if you’ve watched a million of their matches, and been at a million of their lessons, and think you have a clear understanding of how to coach them……don’t.

Coaching isn’t parenting. It’s not just about what to say, it’s about how to say it, and what not to say as well. There’s an art to this, and coaches have spent countless hours trying to master their craft.

Also, most kids don’t actually want their parents to coach them. They might ask them for help, but it’s just because they’re nervous. They’re unsure of what to do, and you’re the only one there with them. Naturally they’re going to go to the only person available to help them

So when this happens, because if the coach is not there then it will be on you to handle the situation appropriately, here’s what you can do:

Have the player call the coach

Most of the players I work with call me during the 2nd and 3rd sets. The parents send me a text when it gets late in the second set to get ready, and I stand by my phone until I get the call. 

The obvious thing here is I’m not watching the match, but I can still help. I remind the player of my situation, and let them know I will not be giveing them any strategic or technical advice. I will listen to them though, and if they ask me any questions I can answer, I will. That will bring some peace of mind to them.

Also, since I know the players well, I’ll remind them of the most important things they need to work on come crunch time. As much as every match might be different, players have consistent themes when they lose. During these calls I’ll remind the player of what we’re working on, and where to put their focus.

Finally, if a player is upset because they just lost the 2nd set, they’ll need to calm down. But the last thing a parent should do is tell them to CALM DOWN. That will only make it worse. I’m not the parent so I’m emotionally detached. I can objectively listen to the player, not be bothered by whatever frustrating thing they say, and have them focus on their breathing.

Have the player read a list of things that remind them what they’re working on

Another helpful tool to help a player during crunch time is having them read index cards written down before a match. These index cards will need to be written down by the player, then approved by the coach, and will include the items the coach and player are working on. 

These cards can recenter the player’s mind on things important to their game, and provide guidance on how to play the tiebreak.

Tell them you’re proud of them and love them no matter what the result

This should be said no matter if they call the coach, or if they’re reading index cards.

It’s important for a child to have reassurance that regardless of the outcome, their parents are proud of them and love them. Many kids feel like if they don’t perform well, or have even the slightest of emotional outbursts, their parents will punish them. Whether they have reason to feel that way or not is not the point. Kids want to please their parents. They want their love and support, and if a parent truly wants to remove any kind of pressure their child might feel on the court, the words “I’m proud of you and I love you no matter what” need to be said as often as possible.

Then of course your actions have to match your words…..

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It can be really hard to sit there and not coach your child when what you see might seem so obvious to you. But I need to remind you:

You’re not a tennis coach, so how do you know you’re not missing out on something more important, or know the right way to communicate the advice?

Even if you’re advice is correct, more often than not, your child doesn’t want to hear it from you. You’re not their coach. All they want is your love and support. Give them that. It’s more important than winning or losing.